Art by Lynn Phillips Nelson
We all know the first line of a query is your "hook." I call the last line the "sinker." You want it to punch them in the face, in a nice, friendly kind of way that makes them unable to forget you after having read the 300 other queries in their inbox.
Also, for my brave Saturday Slash volunteers I will gladly do follow-up slashes (each more kindly than the next) on your query if you post them on the Query Critique board over on AgentQuery Connect. You'll get advice from me, and also people who are smarter than me. If you do post on AQ, be sure to follow the guidelines and let me know you posted so that I can follow up!
And now for the next brave volunteer. For clarity, my comments are in yellow.
For six months
now, ten-year-old Ionikus Reaves has lived with a jaw of iron. Great hook. Strike the "now" for flow but otherwise this is a fantastic attention grabber.
For six months
It’s heavy, kill the comma and cold, and the only use it seems to have is attracting a lot of unwanted attention. Ionikus hates his jaw only a little bit word choice: "slightly?") less than he hates the gods of Olympus. The day they ordered the draft that took Father, kill the comma again was the day Father frantically attached the metal to Ion’s jaw--with a little bit of magic, but without an explanation. And ever since, (word choice: "since then?") he’s been the Iron-Jawed Boy. A monster even on Atlantis. Some minor rephrasing here and there on this and it's a solid middle para. Use your words a little more economically here for greatest impact.
But soon Ionikus discovers he’s a lot weirder than he thought...in fact, he’s weird enough to be a reincarnated god. And not just any reincarnated god.
In the blink of a cyclops’ eye nice
Overall this is a well written query with an excellent hook. Your biggest downfall is that you're ever so slightly more words than you need to in order to convey your point. In a 300 word query you've got to make sure every word is necessary. Excessive word use also might make an agent wonder if your ms is as tight as it possibly can be. Otherwise, good work!