Meet my Hatchet of Death (or, some other colorful description RC Lewis and I come up with at any given moment). This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot us an email.
We all know the first line of a query is your "hook." I call the last line the "sinker." You want it to punch them in the face, in a nice, friendly kind of way that makes them unable to forget you after having read the 300 other queries in their inbox.
If you're looking for query advice, but are slightly intimidated by my claws, blade, or just my rolling googly-eyes, check out the query critique boards over at AgentQueryConnect. This is where I got my start, with advice from people smarter than me. Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query. My comments appear in green.
Gray must embrace either the wild beast in his soul, or the destructive human in his mind. Good hook.
Born with the mind of a man and the soul of a wolf, nineteen-year-old Gray Lupelle hopes the kingdom of Starfall will be a place free of persecution. Unlike his home in Tymeria, Paladins you might need to make it clear what a Paladin is are not permitted to hunt wolfborn and other non-human races inside the limits of the kingdom. But when a rogue wolfborn fails in assassinating the Tymerian king, his actions destabilize two hundred years of fragile peace between Tymeria and Starfall. You might want to be clear on why his would affect relations between the two kingdoms -- is it because Starfall harbors the worlborn?
Suddenly, the loyalty of the wolfborn are questioned. Loyalty to whom? Time I'm not sure this is the best phrasing has made the wolfborn feared for the same reason they were loved during the war against Tymeria: They are superior warriors.
When Gray is offered a deal by who? sparing his siblings from the slaughter who is slaughtering them and why?, he must make an impossible decision: his siblings or his entire race. If he saves his siblings by helping helping who? in the eradication of his entire race, he’ll be rewarded with their permanent hatred. If he fights against who?, he risks the possibility of joining them in extinction. One thing is certain – he must kill to survive. Good sinker.
Told through several character viewpoints, WOLFBORN is a New Adult Fantasy novel of 94,000 words.