We all know the first line of a query is your "hook." I call the last line the "sinker." You want it to punch them in the face, in a nice, friendly kind of way that makes them unable to forget you after having read the 300 other queries in their inbox.
If you're looking for query advice, but are slightly intimidated by my claws, blade, or just my rolling googly-eyes, check out the query critique boards over at AgentQueryConnect. This is where I got my start, with advice from people smarter than me. Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query. My comments appear in green.
A mysterious killer is haunting Chicago, and Blair is sure it’s something supernatural. She should know.
When Blair’s new neighbor, Lexi, is attacked by a vampire, Blair rushes
The Assembly steps in and puts Blair on probation. She now has to face her worst nightmare: being normal. No supernatural creatures. No fighting. No magic.
But the killer is still out there. Is the killer connected to what happened with the mission that went wrong or to the attack on Lexi? Because the killer was your hook, then we lose him / her until here at the end of the query. The Assembly doesn’t know what it is and Blair is unable to help. Then it goes after her friends. It no longer matters what the Assembly does or says. Nothing gets to Blair’s people without going through her first.
GUARDIANS OF THE CITY is an urban fantasy novel complete at 95,000 words. It stands alone but has potential to be the first in a series. GUARDIANS OF THE CITY will appeal to fans of Chloe Neill, Illona Andrews, and Kim Harrison.
Not bad, but we definitely need more cohesiveness in this query, otherwise it makes the book sound like a conglomeration of one-off events that aren't related, and therefore raises questions about plot arc and pacing. 1) Lexi 2) boyfriend 3) killer -- how are these things related? And why does Lexi being immune to magic matter at all? Why would magic be used on her at all, if she's the victim? And if Blair is a prideful, selfish liar, why would she protect Lexi in the first place, or anybody else for that matter?