Wednesday, September 13, 2017

#PitchWars Critique: WINGS IN THE WIND


My PitchWars mentor-partner Kate Karyus Quinn and I agree that we didn't read a single query that was bad - nor did we read any first pages that were unsalvageable. And honestly with as many submissions as we had, we were surprised at the quality of them. Which is why we decided to offer query and first page critiques on our blogs to everyone who submitted to us.

Quite a few people have taken us up on the offer. Through November, Kate and I will be posting these critiques on Mondays and Wednesdays. Any writer can learn from these - not just the author of the material being critiqued. You'll see my comments in green. Echoes are highlighted in blue.

Query:

Sixteen-year-old Madison Winslow attends the elite, yet peculiar, Aisling Academy where she’s been nominated to win a crown scintillating in I think this should be "scintillating with not in." Regardless, don't use words like scintillating in your query if it's not something that would pop up in the pages of the book itself as well diamonds and internship opportunities. She discovers her best friend, Brooke, sprawled on the ground dead below their dorm room’s balcony. Madison’s life begins to disintegrate into anguish. So, you said that the school is "peculiar" but there's nothing to clarify if this is supernatural, mysterious, or what. Also, is this crown a literal object, or an epitome of something? 

Madison becomes the primary suspect in Brooke’s murder. As the semester spirals out of control, Madison has to clear her name and unveil who killed Brooke. When she stumbles upon her BFF’s shocking secrets – drug usage and an affair with a married councilman – the murderer tries to end Madison’s nagging questions permanently. Madison nearly suffocates in her school’s laboratory and almost drowns in a lake. I have to point out that's essentially the same mode of death.

Madison has to navigate her way through a maze of questions about friendship and loyalty while trying to dodge being the killer’s newest target.

Wings In The Wind is a 54,000-word young adult neo-noir mystery similar to Pretty Little Liars and Veronica Mars. Wings In The Wind is my first novel. I have a bachelor’s degree in print journalism and am currently a freelance writer.

This query needs specifics in order to stand out. Right now it reads like any other "someone died and the main character must clear her name while also protecting herself and trying to get good grades as well" story. What makes this one different from the others? How is the school peculiar? Are there any supporting characters at all? Madison and the victim are the only named characters in the query. Why is it titled Wings in the Wind? That last question isn't necessarily important to explain within the query, but thinking about that might give you some ideas about how to differentiate this story from hundreds of others just like it.

1st Page:

The light pole's glare technically, the light pole doesn't produce light shined on her body like a spotlight. Her arms and legs weren’t sprawled out like an angel, but instead like a rag doll with no control. Her beautiful dark strands of hair were blowing in the wind near the flowerbed while other strands were already sinking into puddles of blood. Lots of comparisons at work here, resulting in echoes.

I turned away from the dorm room balcony ready to scream. A scream is a very primal thing, not something you really prep for. I couldn’t help myself; I looked again out of disbelief. I wanted to see if she was sprawled on the ground below me. Disbelief is one thing, this is more like a memory wipe - she's checking it see "if" she's sprawled on the ground. She knows she is.

I turned away from the balcony and called school security. My hands shook as I told the guard my roommate, Brooke Holt, had fallen out of our dorm room window on the eighth floor. How does she feel? Right now we have a good physical description of what she's seeing, but we don't know how she really feels.

I rubbed my forehead Is that an important physical action? and blurted out, “She’s been my best friend since we were little kids!”

The guard asked me if Brooke was moving. I heard a cry I've never heard before. The guttural "no" came from me.

The next couple of hours were blurry. I know I ran along the dark hall to the elevator. My hand shook when I pressed the key for the first floor. The way this is phrased it sounds like the second and third sentences themselves took hours to transpire, which I doubt is your meaning.

I paced back and forth in the elevator praying Brooke was fine. Maybe she was resting from the fall. Perhaps she was knocked unconscious and would wake when I got to her.

Right now what you have here needs to be more woven together for a narrative. These are a lot of short, concise sentences that need to be brought together with the character's feelings in the moment, and also more environment. You said there's snow - is the room cold? Is the main character leaning over the balcony? Is the railing frozen? Does she have goosebumps? How does her stomach feel, seeing her friend like that? She blurted about being friends as children, but what caused that? Was she thinking about a particular moment in their childhood when she said that? Give us more internalization and paint the environment more clearly to really bring the reader in.

2 comments:

Wendy said...

Thank you! I agree with a lot of what you said. I appreciate your time. This helps tremendously.

Mindy McGinnis said...

You are welcome, Wendy! Glad to be of help!